Los Angeles Lifestyle

THE LIFESTYLE GUIDE

THE 13 LAWS TO A HAPPY LA LIFE
By Craig Clemens

[originally posted 11.27.11]

“Ah, Los Angeles. The City of Angels. But in this town it can feel like you are living among some devils sometimes… and guess what… you are.” ~ Craig Clemens

While Los Angeles has been good to me both personally and professionally, I realize that I am fortunate. This city can chew you up and beat you down. I’ve seen too many people show up with big eyes and big dreams only to run back to their hometown with their tail between their legs 6 months later with nothing to show for it but an empty bank account and a broken soul.

But this isn’t even the worst of it. There is some serious effing partying going on in this town (winning?) and hey – it’s a lot of fun. So much fun that it’s easy to get sucked in… and before you know it you could find yourself at 50 years old still snapping cell phone pics of the sunrise from a stranger’s house in the hills on a random Tuesday morn.

You can’t make this stuff up.

So, for all of you newbies… and my fellow veterans as well… I wanted to throw down a few ideas that might help ya keep your head on straight and heart in a happy place as you navigate the conveyor belt of life that is being in your 20′s or 30′s in LA .

Disclaimer: I’m no “expert” and have certainly made my share of mistakes myself (ok, I’ve made a shit ton). But I do consider myself fortunate that after 6 years of this shizz I’ve found myself better off than where I started both personally and professionally… so if a jackoff like me can progress following these rules than YOU should be able to do even BETTER

Let’s get right into it…

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1. YOU WILL BE HAPPIEST GOING OUT 1-2 NIGHTS A WEEK

I used to feel that I NEEDED to go out 3-4 nights a week just to keep in touch with my friends, the scene, blah blah blah.

Some weeks I’d go out 6.

But I’d always find myself happiest when I went out 2.

When you go out too much, it becomes routine. Boring.

But when you only go out 1-2 nights a week, you are effing EXCITED about those 2 nights a week. And you have a WHOLE LOT more fun.

Try it.

2. CONQUER YOUR F.O.M.O.

F.O.M.O. Fear Of Missing Out. A disease that can ruin your LIFE (seriously), but easily conquerable if you think it through.

Here’s the deal:

LA has a LOT going on.

There is a new club opening weekly, and every club has 3-4 “grand openings”. There are awards parties, maxim parties, fake awards parties, and it seems like every day it’s a different friends’ birthday.

It is sooo effing easy to get dragged away from real life into nightlife and this holds true EVERY freaking night.

But the upside to this?

There Will ALWAYS Be Another Party.

I don’t care how good the party is you are considering missing. Hottest promoters in town opening a brand new club? They will do the same exact thing next month. Jay-Z’s All-Star party? Elton’s Oscar party is the next week. Friend’s birthday party? Heck, they’ll probably have 3 or 4!

This isn’t Tulsa, Oklahoma. In LA you should NEVER sweat missing a party, because there will ALWAYS be another just as good.

3. THOU SHALT WORKOUT 3X+ A WEEK

If you are reading this, you are probably a young, sexy mofo. In your prime, or close to it.

And guess what?

Your clock is ticking.

You will NEVER ever ever again in YOUR LIFE have the chance to look this sexy EVER again! The time to take care of your body and look your best is not next year, not when you hit 30 or 40 and your body stops metabolizing… it is RIGHT EFFING NOW,

So eat right, hit the gym and TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR PRIME.

Getting in the best shape you can now also keeps you looking sexier LONGER… so when you are old and gray you’ll have a big advantage over the fools who waited to start.

Do it.

4. LIMIT “SERIOUS RAGING” TO 3X A YEAR

Remember how we just talked about being “in your prime”?

Well I personally feel that your “prime time” is also the time in your life when you should RAGE!

But only on special occasions, and certainly not every night.

If you find yourself poppin’ Mollie’s and racking lines on random club nights out, my friend, I don’t need to tell you that is not good.

It’s no secret this beats THE CRAP outta your body (probably more than we like to admit)… and even though we are young… it takes some time to recover.

If you do feel the need to rage, limit your raging to a maximum of 3 times a year, and schedule it out.

New Year’s Eve, your birthday, 4th of July. Maybe even NASCAR.

I tell myself to make sure it’s something special, because I only get 3 times.

Try it out.

5. DO NOT FLAUNT

So you’ve finally kind of “made it” in LA… and you’re either a connected-enough guy or a hot enough girl that you’re partying with celebs, flying private, or you’ve got yourself a new Benz (or got someone to buy you one).

And now, you want to show all of your friends from back home.

Well please, for the love of God and your LA reputation, send them a personal email with these pics of you doing this instead of throwing them all over your Facebook… because to your fellow LA folk who are at the same parties and on the same plane and doing the same shit… you look like a megadouche.

Consider yourself fortunate for being able to do this fun stuff, and be humble.

I think you’ll find it feels even BETTER.

6. ADVANCE YOURSELF IN THINGS YOU LOVE

Hey, remember those 5 nights a week I suggested you don’t go out?

I know what you were thinking… “What the eff am I supposed to do now?”

It’s easy – advance yourself in something you like.

Take a dancing class, go down to Blick and teach yourself to paint (it can’t be that hard!), buy a recipe book and learn to cook something amazing, or go to Borders and buy a non-fiction book on something that interests you.

You can still have your American Idol night, but make at least one “Advancement Night” for yourself each week and you’ll have a happier soul.

6. FOR THE LADIES – DO NOT STAR-EFF/GOLD-DIG/CLIMB-EFF

So you’re from Idaho and the guy from XYZ show wants to hook up with you. You’ve seen him on TV and I know it’s exciting but DON’T DO IT.

Because guess what? That super rich guy who just dropped 50K at the table next to you also wants to hook up with you. I know if you do you might get to ride on the jet and get taken shopping on Rodeo but I STILL suggest YOU DON’T DO IT.

Because guess what? That super agent who will get you modeling gigs and into all of the hottest parties and events ALSO wants to hook up with you.

DON’T DO IT.

Why not?

Well, because word gets around.

Yeah, you could probably get away with hooking up with one of these guys and not get labeled as Star-Effer/Gold-Digger/Climb-Effer… but you never know. But here’s something I DO know…

One of these days you’re gonna get a little sick of the party scene, and decide you want to meet a good guy to have as your boyfriend.

But unfortunately, no good guy wants to date seriously a present or former Star-Effer/Gold-Digger/Climb-Effer.

Yeah, the good guy might hook up with you also. But think about what you really want.

**NOTE: I know a few rich guys, famous guys, and real, legit agents who are truly awesome dudes. But I don’t feel you should have sex with any of them for the wrong reasons either.

7. FOR THE GUYS – DO NOT DRUG-EFF

So, you heard if you carry around a bag of stuff and a bunch of pills you’ll have a better chance of getting some action in this crazy effed up town.

Well sadly, you might be right.

But you, senor, may also want to settle down someday… and guess what… word gets around.

No girl wants to seriously date the “drug effer guy”… but more than that… giving people – especially young girls – drugs is effing DANGEROUS… to them and to you.

I know of a few lives that have been ruined this way, which is sad, because a guy can get just as much action without this crutch, and (obviously) highly quality girls.

8. GET THE EFF OUTTA TOWN

I think everyone hits a point living here where it just becomes OLD.

The same people, same places that were fun weeks ago now want to make you barf.

Take a trip outta down. Doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Head down to SD for the weekend, or up to Santa Barbara.

And do this AT LEAST once a month.

It’ll clear your head out, and make LA fun again.

Trust.

9. DO NOT “BIGGER, BETTER”

So you’ve been here 6 months and you are now SUPER dialed in. Every night of the week people are hitting you up with fun things to do.

Well don’t insult them by saying, “I’ll try” when you are really just waiting for something better to come along.

Those who do this are painfully obvious, and this gets old REAL fast.

Sure, you’ll keep getting invites to stuff from club promoters and cheeseballs, but nothing scares off your REAL friends and QUALITY people than someone who constantly “Bigger, Betters”.

10. DO NOT FLAKE

’nuff said. If you want to repel the good folks from your life this is the best way to do it.

11. FIND NON-PARTY ACTIVITIES THAT YOU ENJOY

It sounds silly… but I remember a 3 month period of my life when I was partying so hard every Friday and Saturday night that my beautiful LosAngeles weekend days were spent IN BED.

Sad, but true.

These days I go for a hike and I look back on that period as pathetic… because it was.

We live by the BEACH! We have canyons to hike and museums to see and you can play sports and ride a bike and surf and skate and go wine tasting and food tasting and who doesn’t LOVE tearing up a mall?

Sure, party all night once in awhile. But sometimes when you have the day off the next day it’s a great reason to go to bed EARLY so you get up early and make it YOURS.

12. KEEP YOUR REAL FRIENDS & FAMILY CLOSE

When you move to Hollywood you’re going be doing some big city shit that your hometown homies aren’t into… and heck… probably wouldn’t even believe.

But even though they are back home married with kids or whatever, make sure to keep ‘em in your life.

Same goes for your folks.

A phone call or Facebook message is all it takes to stay connected with the people who loved you pre-LA and will keep loving you no matter what.

Make sure they know you still love them back.

13. GET TO KNOW YOUR “HIGH-FIVE” FRIENDS

“OMG, LA is filled with douchebags and sluts and scumbags and uggggh!”

But how do you know this?

Because YOU are here to!

And you’re not that bad, right?

And that’s the true beauty of Los Angeles. Because while we have our fair share of rodents and scum… we have MORE than our fair share of GREAT PEEPS.

I think it’s safe to say that Angelenos are some of the best people IN THE WORLD

Take advantage of this, and make some real friends.

Meet that person you rage at the tables with out for lunch.

Go to the same yoga class every single week.

Or the same dog park.

Who knows… you might just meet your new best friend… or the love of your life.

And maybe… just maybe… you’ll realize the *other* love of your life will always be…

The City Of LA.

(feel free to hit “Share” if you enjoyed this note)

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####[Follow Craig at www.twitter.com/craigclemens to read more of his hilariously inspirational and entertaining writings, musings, and what have-yous.  Content edited on dailyiso for pg-13 audience.  Eff = F*ck...etc, etc. You get the idea. Cheers.]
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