7 Reasons Why You Are Single In Los Angeles
LOS ANGELES LIFESTYLE | CULTURE
~By Adrien Finkel
[Editor's Note* This piece meant to be humorous. Mostly. We love LA]
It’s another night in the City of Angels and you’re getting ready to go out. You’ve got your favorite Rihanna song playing on repeat, there’s a cold beer next to you on the bathroom sink, and you are thinking tonight could be the night you fall in love. Well, keep on drinking, because I have bad news for you. Tonight is not the night. And it’s not going to be tomorrow. Or Friday. Or possibly ever.
But please, don’t beat yourself up yet! I promise it’s not you! Those shoes are fabulous, your hair looks great, and you are extremely funny and interesting. The real problem is where you are standing. Los Angeles, California.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you are looking for true and long-lasting love…..move to OHIO.
7 REASONS WHY YOU ARE SINGLE IN LOS ANGELES
7.) Before we get down to petty details, let me just tell you that Los Angeles has 89,000 more single men than women. If it were the other way around, I think things could be a bit easier. So regardless of the fact that people don’t commit in this town, apparently 89,000 men out there don’t even have the option if they wanted to. So gentlemen, put away the tissues. It’s not just you, it’s sheer numbers.
6.) Don’t we go out at night to meet people? I find this funny because it seems to be that we travel in groups only to stay in those groups. We only dance with our friends and then we get bottle service which gives us an actual table to sit and stay at.
When do we meet and greet? When do we mingle?
5.) Ladies, I can guarantee that table or no table, you will meet a man. He will be young and fresh-faced, suited up, and have more product in his hair than you. He will buy you a drink and tell you about the movie he is currently producing.
WARNING: the movie “he’s” producing, his boss is actually producing. And he is holding keys to an Audi that his parents bought him or he is leasing with all the money that he makes. Watch out for this embellisher. And go back to your table, because Mr. Hollywood is FAR from your being your fabulous new boyfriend.
4.) New York has an advantage to LA in some respects, because in New York we are forced to interact with others. We all must take the crowded train together and walk from one place to the next. This causes a forced gathering of humans: at cross walks, subway platforms, and on crowded streets. In LA, our mode of transportation give us NO chance for interaction. We hop in our little hybrid bubbles, drop ourselves at the valet, and voila, we are where we need to be. So, if you are hoping to have a love at first sight moment at the corner of Fairfax and Santa Monica, I’m telling you now….don’t hold your breath.
3.) Okay, so you met a guy at Urth Caffe last week, which was followed a fabulous dinner at Katsuya . The sushi was delish, the conversation was flowing, and there was a steamy kiss by your car right after! Yet, he seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. There are a million reasons why he is M.I.A, but I blame this scenario on social networking. What scares me about dating in our generation is the endless options at our fingertips. ‘Amazing date guy’ may have been head over heels for you that night, but he got home, went on Facebook, and Suzie Epstein from 2nd grade friended him. She just moved to LA and she is HOT.
See how quick that was? You are out, Suzie is in. Thanks for playing.
2.) Everyone is waiting for the next best thing. I am sure you were the cutest guy at Kansas City High, but imagine all the hottest guys and girls from every town in one city. Oh wait, you don’t have to, because they are all in Los Angeles. The competition is insane. We are all convinced that since we are in LA, we will end up with the next Cameron Diaz or Josh Dunhamel. So you hold out for what could be, instead of giving the intelligent and nice looking person in front of you the time of day.
a.) I would never wish dating a famous person upon anyone. It’s disastrous.
b.) By doing this, you are putting true love on hold for at least another five years until you realize what’s good for you.
1.) The reason I say move to Ohio is because in Ohio people live normal lives. They graduate, get a nine to five, and are ready for the next step. The people who come to LA are looking for something much more. They want excitement, they want to climb ladders, and most importantly they are here for a reason. Whether its to be an agent, producer, actor, or costume designer, the battle is long and hard, and there is no time to court you properly. They must be able to answer the phone day or night, hop on a plane at a moments notice, and kiss Hollywood’s ass until they are one step closer to their goal. The phone calls, the trips, the meetings, audtions, and errands never seem to end, and sadly, they must stop for no one.
So there you go. No reason to blame yourself. You are all that and a bag of chips, but the twenty-somethings in Hollywood have bigger fish to fry. So grab a good book, take a few yoga classes, and enjoy time with your friends. And hey, maybe these match.com people have the right idea. I say if you are at your wits end, hop online with the others and click away.
Love may not be in the air around here, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And to those of you who have the pleasure of curling up next to someone special each night, just know….you are one of the lucky ones.