5 Ways How NOT To Be A Hollywood Douchebag
LIFESTYLE | CULTURE
~ By Monica Hunt
Are you a 20-something or 30-something gentleman who finds himself referring to the girls you sleep with as “sluts” and “bitches?” Do you wear outlandish screen printed tees? Have you in the last week spent more time at the gym than you have at home? Are you reading these questions and feeling guilty about answering yes to any of them and want out? If so, continue reading, for you will find 5 simple suggestions that will assist you in changing your typical Hollywood Douchebag ways.
5 Ways How NOT to be a Hollywood Douchebag
The tell-tale sign of a huge d-bag is the standard issue clothing someone, somewhere is deeming appropriate garb for grown ass men in the club and bar scene in Hollywood. Hate to break to you dudes, but when a girl sees a guy sporting a popped collar, t-shirts bedazzled more than her own, or any brand entitled “Ed Hardy,” “Tapout,” or “Affliction,” she’s already dismissed you as douche. Grown-up men really shouldn’t be wearing shirts emblazoned with metallic Fleur des Lis that imply you’re as strong as the UFC fighters these brands sponsor. Go to H&M like the rest of America in order to spare yourself judgement from your future offspring when they see your Facebook page in years to come. Seriously, at this rate, you’re going to end up being the worst grandpa in the world.
We’re just going to list the words you should avoid using in conversation with other human beings simply because a) they make you sound unintelligent, b) they’re homophobic, and c) they’re confusing: bra, broseph (WTF?), braj, bro, GTL (thank you the scourge that is Jersey Shore), epic fail, no homo (this is homophobic), homo (again, homophobic), bromance, winning (you’re not), swole, and any derogatory word you’d use for a woman, gay person, or person of color. Any and all avoidance of employing these terms already makes you half of the douchebag you once were.
3.) DRINKS ≠ SEX.
Yes, the unspoken rule of thumb in most bars and clubs in LA is that if you buy a girl a drink, she is more likely to sleep with you. That may be true in some cases, and yes, some girls do expect guys to buy them drinks, but the expectation of sex in exchange for a watered-down vodka tonic is really, fucking, creepy and borderline prostitution. That’s the lowest common denominator of male douchebag behavior. So, next time you have the urge to buy a girl a drink, doso because you’re being generous. Otherwise, put your wallet away and move on.
4.) READ SOMETHING.
Seriously, read something. Anything! Nothing is less attractive or as pathetic as a person who can’t hold a conversation that doesn’t revolve around the gym, your workout plan, or the protein powders you’ve recently acquired in an attempt to bulk-up for some looming audition. The back of a shampoo bottle is more interesting conversation material. Reading stuff is important because it helps you learn, keeps your mind sharp as you age, and introduces you to new things. Additionally, being knowledgeable and witty is actually very sexy and you automatically become less douche-y when you can keep up in a convo.
5.) BE NICE, NOT AGGRO.
This goes without saying, but as a reminder, being nice to others makes you 100 percent not a douche bag. So what if someone bumps into you accidentally? You’re in a crowded club/bar, these things are bound to happen, and they aren’t the right reasons to knock someone out. Other douchebag-isms abound in this sub-culture of twits, so the next time your testosterone (we know you’ve got lots of it) wells up in a public arena, remind yourself to be nice and you’ll be thankful you did, because no one will think you’re a huge, Hollywood douchebag when you apologize with your words and not your fists.